I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
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I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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