a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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