I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
