I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
