One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
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How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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