There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
