im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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