I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
