Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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