I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
