did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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