I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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