We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We're too hungover to prance.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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