the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
