I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
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Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious