So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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