we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
