are you still at the devil's house?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
