He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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