i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
