the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
