I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
