yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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