My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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