there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
