I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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