i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I FOUND THE LEGS
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
