It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
