i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
