I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
