genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
