If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Small penises have feelings too.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
