My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
