I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
