Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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