so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
