so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
