Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
