recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
