Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
