dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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