i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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