worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
