I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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