What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She's not a foreskin expert like you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
