I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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