All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
