I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
