Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
