And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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