mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
