Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
