i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
