you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
