Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
