I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
sarcasm needs its own font
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
