Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Boobs speak an international language.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
